The California Job
by Pjazz
Summary: Jerry lands a comedy gig in California. George, Elaine and Kramer accompany him to Los Angeles.


The California Job  
  
A Seinfeld fan's script by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.  
  
JERRY  
  
You're dating a psychiatrist? What are you - crazy?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? What's wrong with that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Aren't you afraid he's gonna start analzying you? Or us? Me?  
  
I'm a psychiatrist's Happy Meal, Elaine. They analyze me like I'm a lab rat running through a maze.  
  
JERRY  
  
George's last shrink even got him to confess his Flintstones fantasy.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Flintstones fantasy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
As a boy I was very attracted to Betty Rubble. Trim figure, long legs and under that animal skin dress, well, you know, ziperoonie.  
  
JERRY  
  
Ziperoonie?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ziperoonie, my friend.  
  
JERRY  
  
Betty was way too good for Barney Rubble.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That part didn't ring true.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Cavemen living with the dinosaurs, and that's the part didn't ring true? Oh boy.  
  
JERRY  
  
D'you suppose Fred yelled Wilma! in the throes of passion, or just when he was angry?  
  
ELAINE  
  
You boy's watch wa-ay too many cartoons. And Alan isn't like that. He's nice.  
  
JERRY  
  
You do it yet on his psychiatrist couch?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No! Alan's very considerate. Attentive.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Attentive? You mean he remembers birthdays and stuff?  
  
JERRY  
  
And pretends to listen when you talk about your day?  
  
ELAINE  
  
No-oo.Y'know, he takes his time. Likes a slow ride round the block, gets to know the neighbourhood before parking the car....  
  
JERRY  
  
Ah. Foreplay. Gotcha.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm strictly A to B. No detours.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh! That is so typical of men. Why do you need us along for the ride?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't like to drive alone too often. They say it's bad for the transmission.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's an old wives tale.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I dunno, Jerry. Some of those old wives were pretty sharp.  
  
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry, got any tabasco sauce?  
  
JERRY  
  
Try the refrigerator.  
  
KRAMER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND STARTS LOADING UP.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Newman's having a barbecue on the roof. You're all invited.  
  
JERRY  
  
An afternoon watching Newman cram his face with greasy fast food? I don't think so.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Work. The Yankees won't win ball games if I'm not there to book 'em hotel rooms.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Peterman's. Launching a new catalogue.  
  
KRAMER  
  
You're missing a treat. Newman's a genius with a griddle.  
  
JERRY NOTICES KRAMER EMPTYING HIS FRIDGE.  
  
JERRY  
  
I thought you wanted tabasco sauce.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah. And meat. Chicken. Tomatoes. Lettuce. Rye. Corncobs. And you got any of those tiny sausages?  
  
JERRY  
  
So I'm providing the whole feast?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You got it, buddy.  
  
INT. ELEVATOR. YANKEE STADIUM.  
  
GEORGE ENTERS ELEVATOR TO FIND CINDY CRAWFORD.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excuse me.Aren't you Cindy Crawford, the supermodel?  
  
CC  
  
Yes, I am.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh wow, this is amazing. I'm your biggest fan.  
  
CC  
  
Thank you.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Many's the time I've pored over your pictures in magazines. That's p-o-r-e-d. I didn't actually pour anything on you. Ha ha.  
  
CINDY SMILES APPREHENSIVELY  
  
GEORGE  
  
So, what are you doing in Yankee Stadium? Not trying out for shortstop. Haha.  
  
CC  
  
Photoshoot. On the diamond.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Right. How's the guy from Pretty Woman these days?  
  
CC  
  
Richard and I are divorced.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So you're single now. You're out there? Because I'm out there. Both of us out there.   
  
CC  
  
Ri-ght.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Cindy Crawford. Cindy C. I'm George Costanza. Georgie C. We have a lot in common right there.  
  
CC  
  
(SOTTO VOCE) Hurry up. Please hurry up.  
  
THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. CINDY SPRINTS OUT.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Wow. Look at her go. These supermodels really love getting photographed.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY'S ON THE PHONE TO HIS AGENT.  
  
JERRY  
  
That's great. Yeah. No problem.  
  
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
JERRY  
  
Okay. Fine. I'll be there. (HANGS UP)  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey, buddy.  
  
JERRY  
  
That was my agent. I'm booked for a spot on 'The Tonight Show.'  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oooh, The Tonight Show. With Jay Leno. Featuring Kevin Eubanks. And me, Ed Hall. Tonight's guest - Jerry Seinfeld.  
  
You did good, compadre.  
  
JERRY  
  
Tell me about it. Hey, NBC said I can fly some guests out on their tab. You want to come to Los Angeles with me?  
  
KRAMER  
  
California, here I come.  
  
JERRY  
  
I'll ask George and Elaine. It'll be great. The four of us.  
  
KRAMER  
  
We're the Four Musketeers. All for one.pop And one for all.  
  
INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT.  
  
JERRY, GEORGE AND ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE IS EATING FROM A BAG OF JUJY FRUITS.  
  
GEORGE  
  
So I'm in this cab going uptown, and the driver - who's Chinese - asks where to? I say '42nd street.' He goes 42nd sweet?' - cause the chinese can't pronounce their Rs. So I say - '42nd sweet? What are you - Hersheys?'  
  
FEEBLE LAUGH  
  
JERRY  
  
Okay, I guess.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What d'you mean - ok I guess? That's a great line. You're just jealous you didn't think of it.  
  
ELAINE  
  
How about '42nd sweet? No thanks, I've already eaten.' Or 'no thanks, 41's plenty.'  
  
JERRY LAUGHS  
  
JERRY  
  
Pretty good.  
  
GEORGE  
  
George is getting very angry here! The line is 'what are you - Hersheys?' Full stop. End of story.  
  
JERRY  
  
You really are a very stubborn little man.  
  
ELAINE  
  
The best of luck in LA, by the way.  
  
JERRY  
  
You sure you won't come with us?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I wanna stay here with Alan. I really think he might be - the one.  
  
BUZZER SOUNDS  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello?  
  
BUZZER  
  
This is Dr. Alan Greenbaum. Is Elaine Benes there?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hi, Alan. Come on up.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh no! Oh no!  
  
ELAINE  
  
What's the matter with you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's your boyfriend the psychiatrist. Suppose he starts analzying me?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Relax. I've already told Alan about all of you.  
  
JERRY  
  
You blabbed? Elaine, how could you.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Gimme a break, anyway, it's Kramer Alan finds most interesting.  
  
ALAN ENTERS - A HANDSOME BEARDY TYPE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Alan, this is George and Jerry.  
  
JERRY/GEORGE  
  
Hi.  
  
ALAN  
  
Pleased to meet you at last. Especially you, George.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Me? (EDGES TOWARD THE DOOR) What'd I do?  
  
ALAN  
  
George, self gratification is perfectly normal. Healthy even. Go ahead. Enjoy your body.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh God!  
  
GEORGE EXITS  
  
ALAN  
  
Jerry. Tell me - is it true you ended a relationship because the lady in question had rather large hands?  
  
JERRY  
  
Man hands. She had man hands.  
  
ALAN  
  
And another because she had curious eating habits?  
  
JERRY  
  
She ate her peas one at a time. One at a time.  
  
ALAN  
  
I see. You'd be a challenge. No doubt about that.  
  
KNOCK ON DOOR. JERRY OPENS. IT'S NEWMAN.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hello, Newman.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Hello, Jerry. Just returning the dishes Kramer borrowed for the barbecue.  
  
JERRY  
  
Ok. Bye.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Bye, Jerry.  
  
DOOR SLAMS  
  
ALAN  
  
Extraordinary! The repressed hostility was palpable. Why do they hate each other so much?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Who the hell knows?  
  
ALAN  
  
Jerry, what is it you dislike about that man?  
  
JERRY  
  
He's Newman.  
  
ALAN  
  
Yes, but what is it about Newman that you dislike?  
  
JERRY  
  
He's Newman.  
  
ALAN  
  
Fas-ci-nating. No doubt about it,This man's a goldmine.  
  
DOOR BURSTS IN. KRAMER ENTERS.  
  
ALAN  
  
And you must be Kramer. Delighted to meet you at last.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Likewise, I'm sure.  
  
ELAINE  
  
This is Alan, my boyfriend.  
  
JERRY  
  
He's a psychiatrist.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Whoa! (RECOILS VIOLENTLY)  
  
ALAN  
  
Extraordinary reaction! You must have very well developed synapses.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, I work out.  
  
ALAN  
  
Could I conduct an experiment? Just a simple word association. I say a word. You say the first thing that comes into your head. Black.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Blue.  
  
ALAN  
  
Orange.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Lemon.  
  
ALAN  
  
Home.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Here.  
  
ALAN  
  
Food.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Jerry.  
  
ALAN  
  
Jerry.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Love. - WHOA! (KRAMER RECOILS)  
  
JERRY  
  
That's baloney! Kramer doesn't love me.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well, we're going for lunch.(SMIRKS) We'll leave you two lovebirds alone.   
  
KRAMER  
  
You better be careful, Elaine. He'll get you next.  
  
INT. RESTAURANT.  
  
ELAINE AND ALAN ARE SEATED. ELAINE IS STILL EATING HER JUJY FRUITS.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You really freaked my friends out back there - the poor schlubs!  
  
ALAN  
  
Are you still eating sweets? We're about to order.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I've nearly finished the bag. I don't want to waste any. I lo-o--ve my Jujy fruits.  
  
ALAN  
  
Hmm. Interesting.  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? What?  
  
ALAN  
  
OH nothing.Just a thought.  
  
ELAINE  
  
No, Alan, what was it? Tell me.  
  
ALAN  
  
Well, you're a single woman. Mid 30s. Childless.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah. So?  
  
ALAN  
  
So perhaps you're sublimating your subconcious desire for a fulfilling adult relationship with a need for addictive candy snacks.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why would I do that?  
  
ALAN  
  
To blot out your barren purposeless existence.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I have purpose.  
  
ALAN  
  
Oh please, Elaine. You hang out with friends who quite frankly are a phone call away from  
  
a rubber walled room.  
  
ELAINE  
  
I'm not like them!  
  
ALAN  
  
That's what you believe.  
  
ELAINE  
  
It's true!  
  
ALAN  
  
As you wish. Now, what d'you want to eat?  
  
ELAINE  
  
(SULKS) I'm not hungry.  
  
INT.LATER. PHONE CONVERSATION BETWEEN JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
JERRY  
  
So you're coming with us to LA? That's great, Laney!  
  
ELAINE  
  
(SIGHS)Yeah. Whatever.  
  
JERRY  
  
I thought you wanted to stay in New York with Alan?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, well you thought wrong.  
  
JERRY  
  
Trouble in paradise?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, I got bit on the ass by a snake.   
  
EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE OF A JET HEADING WEST.  
  
EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULVEARD, LOS ANGELES.  
  
THE GANG EXIT A CAB.   
  
GEORGE  
  
Hollywood, baby! Smell that California air. (COUGHS) It stinks.  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's the smog. The trick is to breath through your mouth.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Is this where we're staying?  
  
JERRY  
  
Uh huh. The Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. It's quite a landmark.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Didn't John Belushi croak here?  
  
JERRY  
  
No. The Chateau Marmont.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well somebody must have died here. This is Hollywood. Pzzt! They drop like flies.  
  
JERRY  
  
Apparently it's haunted by the ghost of Montgomery Clift.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Now you're talking.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh! Remind me to keep my light on at night.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Who's for the beach? Elaine?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Nah. Rodeo Drive for me. I wanna do some shopping.  
  
JERRY  
  
Rodeo Drive? Isn't that a bit--- up market?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What? You saying I'm a bag lady? I look the part.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You wearing those shoes - two tone brogues?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I brought heels. Gimme a break. I need a makeover to visit a shop?  
  
JERRY  
  
This is LA, Elaine. La La Land.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, well LA can kiss my New York a--  
  
KRAMER  
  
George? The beach? Hot babes in bikinis.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I think I'll stick with Jerry.  
  
JERRY  
  
George, you're not pestering Room Service.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's on NBC's tab, what's the difference? They can spring for a few freebies. We'll say I'm your personal assistant. Your PA.  
  
JERRY  
  
I always wanted a PA. Somehow I imagined him less...you.  
  
EXT. DAY. SANTA MONICA BEACH.  
  
KRAMER, IN SHORTS AND BERMUDA SHIRT, WALKS THE SHORELINE, STUMBLING OCASSIONALLY AS BIKINI BABES RUN IN AND OUT OF THE SURF.  
  
A BALL, FROM A VOLLEYBALL GAME, ROLLS AT HIS FEET. KRAMER TOSSES IT TO JED, A SURFER DUDE.  
  
JED  
  
Thanks, man. Nice technique. You from around here?  
  
KRAMER  
  
New York.  
  
JED  
  
The Big Apple, huh. Far out. I'm Jed.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Kramer.  
  
JED  
  
What d'you do in New York, Kramer?  
  
KRAMER SHRUGS  
  
JED  
  
Well, how d'you make a living?  
  
KRAMER SHRUGS  
  
JED  
  
All right! A slacker dude. Play some volleyball, Kramer?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup.  
  
INT. DAY. RODEO DRIVE.  
  
ELAINE IS BROWSING IN A CLOTHES STORE. SHE'S IN HEELS, BUT OTHERWISE SAME OLD ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Excuse me, how much is this t shirt?  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
800 dollars.  
  
ELAINE  
  
800 bucks! It's just a cotton tee with some rhinestones sewn on.  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
It's a genuine Federucci. A one off design.  
  
ELAINE  
  
My 6 year old niece could knock this off in home ec class. Blindfold.  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
Puh-lease. Federucci studied fashion for 6 years in Milan. That's in Italy.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah, I know where Milan is. Tell ya what - I'll give ya 50 bucks for it.  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
It's 800 dollars.  
  
ELAINE  
  
75 tops. My final offer.  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
I believe Wal Mart do a range of clothing. Perhaps madam would be more at home there.  
  
ELAINE  
  
You saying I'm cheap?  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
If the shoe fits. Or the t shirt. (GIGGLES)  
  
ELAINE  
  
That's real funny. You know what else is funny? My fist.  
  
SALES GIRL  
  
Security! Security!  
  
CUT TO  
  
EXT. RODEO DRIVE.  
  
TWO SECURITY GUARDS FORCIBLY EJECT ELAINE ONTO THE SIDEWALK.  
  
INT. NBC STUDIOS. THE TONIGHT SHOW.  
  
JAY LENO  
  
My next guest is a young up and coming comedian all the way from New York. Let's give a big Tonight Show welcome for - Jerry Seinfeld!  
  
JERRY WALKS UP TO THE MIKE.  
  
JERRY  
  
Thank you. Thank you very much.   
  
Y'know, I read in the paper a 72 year old guy climbed Mount Everest. How about that? 72 and he climbs Everest. 72. My first thought was - boy, he's gonna make us look bad. What happens when your wife wants you to change a lightbulb? "Sorry, honey, I'm watching the game." " Oh, so a 72 year old can climb Mount Everest, but you can't get off your lazy butt and climb a coupla steps to change a lightbulb." Yeah. That old guy really screwed us over. 72. Sit down, why dont cha. Play your mah jong and swallow your antacid, that's what a 72 year old should be doing.  
  
12 hundred people have climbed Mount Everest to date.That's a lot of people.It's getting way too easy. What they should do is build a greasy pole on the summit. That way when the climbers get there, oxygen masks, all that gear strapped to their backs - made it! The top of Everest! Oh no, my friend, you've still this greasy pole to shin up, then you've climbed Mount Everest. Go on, quit whining, start shinning. Maybe we should tell that 72 year old. Hey, gramps, you missed out the greasy pole. Uh huh.Doesn't count. You'll have to climb it again. Whadda mean your chest hurts? You should have thought of that before you started screwing us over.  
  
DISSOLVE TO ---  
  
INT. NBC COMMISARY.  
  
GEORGE IS PILING FOOD ON A TRAY. AN NBC SUIT WATCHES SUSPICIOUSLY.  
  
GEORGE  
  
This is all on the Seinfeld tab. I'm his personal assistant. His PA. He's nothing without me. He need his shoelaces tied who's he call? - his PA. George Costanza, PA. That's me.  
  
GEORGE CARRIES HIS TRAY TO A TABLE, THEN NOTICES CINDY CRAWFORD SITTING NEARBY.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Cindy? Cindy Crawford?  
  
CINDY  
  
Yes. You are...?  
  
GEORGE   
  
George Costanza. Georgie C? We met in New York. Yankee Stadium.  
  
CINDY  
  
Oh. Ri-ght.  
  
GEORGE   
  
What a coincidence, huh. Mebbe it's fate. Haha!  
  
CINDY SMILES NERVOUSLY  
  
GEORGE  
  
You want something to eat? I got food coming out my ears here.  
  
CINDY  
  
No. Thank you. I'm about to be interviewed.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ok. Well, I'll be right here if you get peckish later. Won't budge an inch.Wait the whole day if I have to.  
  
CINDY HURRIES AWAY  
  
GEORGE   
  
Boy, she can't wait to be interviewed.  
  
INT. TONIGHT SHOW STUDIO.  
  
LENO  
  
Please welcome my next guest - Cindy Crawford!  
  
CINDY WALKS OUT, SITS ETC.  
  
LENO  
  
Great to see you.  
  
CINDY  
  
Thank you.  
  
LENO  
  
Been keeping kinda a low profile lately.  
  
CINDY  
  
Well, maybe.  
  
LENO  
  
You still get recognised?   
  
CINDY  
  
Ye-ah. Mostly it's nice but...I met this guy in New York and just now he turned up backstage.  
  
LENO  
  
He's stalking you?  
  
CINDY  
  
I guess. Kinda this creepy short guy. Balding. He said he'll be waiting for me.  
  
LENO  
  
We can't have that. La's got enough nuts without having to imort them from New York.   
  
Huh, Kev?  
  
KEVIN EUBANK  
  
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
LENO  
  
Don't worry, security will handle it. So, that famous mole of yours - is that an erogenous zone?  
  
INT. NBC STUDIO. JERRY'S DRESSING ROOM.  
  
JERRY AND ELAINE.  
  
ELAINE  
  
And these security goons, these apes in uniform, physically pick me up and throw me out in the street. Whaddua think about that, huh? Like I was a bag of garbage. I tell ya, it wouldn't have happened in New York City, that's for sure.  
  
JERRY  
  
You think my act went well? I think it did.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Yeah yeah, whatever. I should sue for compensation, that's what I should do. But where's a good lawyer when you need one?  
  
JERRY  
  
I wonder if George saw my act?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Where is George, anyway?  
  
JERRY  
  
Last I saw he was stuffing his face in the commisary.  
  
ELAINE  
  
That's another thing. I go down there, choose a bagel - one lousy bagel - tell 'em to put it on your tab and they say - no more on the Seinfeld tab. It's all used up.  
  
JERRY  
  
All used up? George!  
  
COMMOTION OUTSIDE. THE DOOR OPENS. GEORGE IS BEING DRAGGED PAST BY SECURITY GUARDS.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry! Elaine! You gotta help me. They're throwing me out for harrassing Cindy Crawford!  
  
Tell them I'm your PA!  
  
ELAINE  
  
PA? You're a PA? When did that happen?  
  
JERRY  
  
Did you use up my NBC tab? They say it's all used up.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Jerry!!!  
  
GEORGE IS DRAGGED AWAY.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Ugh! First me, now George. I tell ya, California's turning into a police state.  
  
JERRY  
  
I wonder how Kramer's doing?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Kramer? Knowing Kramer he probably been arrested by now.He'll be stuck in some dank prison hellhole begging to go back to New York.  
  
EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH.  
  
A VOLLEYBALL GAME IN PROGRESS. KRAMER, BARE CHESTED AND DAUBED WITH ZINC SUNCREAM, IS DOMINATING THE MATCH WITH HIS WILD SLAM DUNKS.  
  
A SMALL CROWD HAS GATHERED. THEY START TO CHANT 'KRAMER KRAMER' AS THE K-MAN WINS YET ANOTHER POINT.  
  
JED  
  
You win again, K-man. You rule all, dude!  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh yeah. I rule all. You know, I could get to like it here in California.  
  
BIKINI GIRL  
  
Pina colada, Kramer?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Giddyup.  
  
THE END  
  
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